Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thunder, Lightning, and Criminals, Oh my!

I promise that in my next post, I'll write about my home, village, school, and it's people--but I am currently having a set of "moments" that has lasted for 4 days.  If Marilyn or Beth (two whom know how to really laugh), were with me at this very moment, they would be on my hard tiled floor with little grouting and ants creeping up, in absolute hysterics!  The last few days begin with being woken at 2am to my garbage being tumbled, and someone jiggling both of my doors.  I'm petrified--so stupid me does the logical thing and I take the crow bar from the front door, and now instead of the door being bolted--I'm ready to kill!  I remind myself that I am first and foremost a New Yorker, and secondly, a Martial Artist.  So what that I've softened in the 25 years in bleeping California, and my martial arts--well, I probably couldn't kill a frog, but I'm ready for action here!  With crow bar in hand, I call the PC to tell them that I don't have the police number.  They call police--police calls me--I explain to them which path to get to my house--"Ok Tsepho, we'll be there shortly to check it out, but it's probably just your cow friends!"  "Yeah right, they coming over for that beer I promised!"  Guess what, the police never show--they said they didn't have a vehicle that night. Guess who doesn't sleep!

It's now Friday, and I'm still alive... I go to school, tell people there what happened, they said I need to get a husband!  I'd rather have a goat thank you!  Then off to Kanye to be smothered with love from host family, but love lasts 2 minutes, as it's family reunion time, and mom immediately puts me to doing hard manual labor.  Come on mom, I just want to cry on your shoulder and play on the internet!  At least she feeds me because she notices the starved look to my face.  I am constantly hungry here, the diet is bleeping horrid, and I crave anything filling without chemicals!  Anyway, Sat. comes, they go to church, and pick me up at 1 for the first half the party, which is really church family, and it is an afternoon of eating, singing church songs, and hearing scripture--just what I'm about!  I beg to go home after 3 hours to decorate for tonight.  Mom has bought XMAS decorations that will undoubtedly last all of 5 minutes.  Ok, the tree outside is decorated, we set up for tonight, the party which was supposed to start at 6, starts at 8, and we don't eat until 11.  I'm starved yet again, and can't understand why I am always dished the smallest portions here...well, I'll show them!  I go to sneak some food while backs are turned--I get caught--and get sent back to singing more Setswana church hymns!  Joy to the World!  The Xmas lights, after 2 hours are on the brink--I told ya so!  The party ends at 3am, and at 6am I am woken by mom stating they are going to see their cows today, do I want to come.  No thanks, I've had enough of cows, and I need to get back to my criminals!  Before you leave, can you take down Xmas--I start singing the 12 days of Xmas--she gives me a furtive look, and off she goes to see her bleeping cows!

Walking down my dirt road back to my house, I am greeted by all, and told that a truck came to deliver bed and frig, now I'll never see them.  I told them I wouldn't be here on Sat., but Africans have their own beat!  The house looks good, no bugs, no snakes, no strange footprints.  Mom gives me a care package of the cow barbequed last night, and after settling in, I eat it like a ravaged animal.  Then the skies open up to the wildest thunder I have ever heard, and rain like I've never seen before---good, it'll wash the ants away!  Here I am happy that there is real food in me when I go to the window to admire the fierce rains.  While at the window, a crack of thunder comes with lightning, and I literally jump out of my skin.  It feels like the entire house is going to collapse, and now I'm cracking up over my reaction, and the fact that it is also raining in my bedroom and in my dining room---just wonderful!  I see all neighbors have put buckets outside to capture water, but no, I have to use my buckets to capture water inside the house!  There is definately something wrong with this picture!  More African thunder startles the heebeegeebees out of me, and I crawl under my only table, hit my head, and I am laughing my bleeping wounded head off because I just had mop in one hand, traditional broom attacking spiders in another hand, and regular broom in-between my legs getting ready for it to do some magic and fly me over the rainbow! 

It's now Monday and my phone charger is dead, so I have no life line---not that anyone would come help me anyway, but still!  I have also resorted to hanging my garbage bag from the curtain rods so ants don't attack it, but now I see ants crawling up the walls!  A package is received from the good old US of A, and I am elated at the contents--just think, it's only been 2 and a half months, and it's orgasmic to see a Thai Spicy Noodle Soup!  Wow, I am in heaven!  I also see there is a 2012 calendar in the box, so clever me, who doesn't think to bring a hammer and nails, starts to screw a hook into paper plaster walls.  The bleeping hook isn't gonna stay--my carpenter neighbor sees me and asks what I'm doing--well, what does it look like I'm doing---whatever it is, it doesn't look like it's working!  Thanks buddy, whatta guy!  Gorilla tape to the rescue!  The calendar is up, good, now I can count off the days to whatever!  It's 6:30pm and off to lock my gate when I am ferociously attacked by giant red ants, and a goat is staring me down ready to attack!  This is good...I'm dancing like Lucy did stomping grapes in Italy, my neighbors are looking at me like I'm nuts, and I'm about to get rammed by a goat if I don't hurry!  This was the culmination of 4 days of fun! Going to bed on my piece of foam, I'm thinking that my life here may cause consternation--even to the sages!

No comments:

Post a Comment